Still Overwhelmed

Last week was a long one…

We started standardized testing (which is long, boring, and stressful), had some family drama (we all have some…no matter the family), and my emotions were on a roller coaster (I guess from the pregnancy). Friday night I was winding down for the night and asked my sweet husband to move a piece of furniture in Hannah’s room so that I could paint the room while he was at the church Saturday morning (yes, youth pastors work Saturdays, Sundays, Mondays, all days…). He was happy to help (probably so that I wouldn’t just do it myself) and immediately came in to try to figure out the puzzle to keep all of the furniture off of the walls.

After several minutes he asked me to leave the room. Not because he was mad or upset, but because I wasn’t able to help him and therefore was in the way. I left, but for some reason this triggered my emotional state. When he was done, I went into Hannah’s room, laid on the carpet, and cried. I was overwhelmed. I laid and cried quietly for 15 minutes as I prayed and questioned God. How am I supposed to raise this little girl? I want to give her the best of everything, but we have no money. Can I really do this? I don’t deserve her. I don’t deserve anything. Oh God, what are we going to do?

After I was done wallowing in her room, I climb out of the floor and into bed. “The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.” (Psalm 126:3) I am beyond blessed, to the point of being overwhelmed with God’s grace, mercy, and blessings. I deserve nothing that I have and yet I have a Savior who intercedes for me, blesses me, makes me a co-heir in His kingdom. I have been sent an amazing husband who looks past my weaknesses and adores my strengths. My bundle of joy is healthy and coming in less than four months and I have done nothing to earn or deserve her.

I could list things for hours and never come close to naming all of the blessings God has given me or things He has done for me, but I am filled with joy at the thought of each of them!

Today, I hope you will stop and think of all of the blessing the Lord has sent your way, and maybe you too will become overwhelmed!

Encouragement that Helped Me Through

27 months is a long time to walk through struggles, but we didn’t do it alone. We had each other, family, friends, and the Lord. 

In 2014, God placed on my heart to read through the bible in a year. I used a reading plan provided by my church and learned so much about God, His word, and how it affects my life.

In 2015, I felt God calling me to a year of praying for women in my life. The Lord shocked me with how much praying for others healed my hurts. I never expected that the women I was praying for would then be praying for me, but they did. Their prayers, friendship, and encouragement were many of the brighter moments during such a difficult year. 

Many of the text, posts, and emails I received were things I saved and have gone back and reread on hard days.

   
    
    
    
 
If you are walking through something that is incredibly hard, follow God’s prompting and surround yourself with trusted family and friends.

Finding Out

From the time we started trying to have a baby, Kyle and I would look at each other around the holidays and say This time next year we could have a baby! The first year it was thrilling to dream about. The second year was beyond difficult to even think about it. In the third year, as Thanksgiving approached and we were in the middle of a treatment I read an article posted by a friend from high school. The article was called It’s Okay to Not Be Okay This Thanksgiving. I wanted to share a portion of it with you:

It’s okay if you are unable to fight back the tears as you gather around the table to give thanks.

It’s okay if you can’t see how your miscarriage could ever be woven into some master plan of good.

It’s okay to be sad…even outraged…that your life isn’t going according to plan.

It’s okay if you need to lock yourself in the bathroom and cry when the emotions become too overwhelming, the thoughts become too painful, and the heartache you have becomes too strong.

It’s okay to be angry and confused at the unfairness infertility brings.

It’s okay if you don’t sweep your emotions underneath the kitchen rug you are standing on while you peel the potatoes, but rather open up and tell your family how your womb aches. Your heart hurts. And the hope you have is fading.

And it’s okay to shake your fist to the heavens and tell God exactly how you feel. Not holding anything back.

It’s okay to question why your plans are not good enough or the timing isn’t right.

It’s okay to be mad that you have spent thousands of dollars and countless hours at the doctor’s office just to be given a chance to have what seems to come so naturally and easily to others.

And it’s okay to hurt, to cry, and to still feel disappointed even though others think you should have moved on by now.

It’s okay to tell your Aunt Judy with grace that it’s not really her place to ask when you are going to have children.

It’s okay if while grocery shopping for thanksgiving dinner you see a pregnant woman in the same aisle as you and you need to turn your head. Even move to another part of the store.  Or wipe away a tear.

It’s okay if you decline the invitation to hold your cousins baby or walk away from a conversation about motherhood.

It’s okay if you decide to cook a meal for just you and your spouse…forgoing the traditional family affair.

Friend, basically I want you to know it’s okay to not be okay this Thanksgiving.  

I needed to read this as we were approaching the day we would find out if the procedure worked. I needed to know that I wasn’t alone and that someone else out their in the world knew how I was feeling.

The morning before Thanksgiving Day (2015) was the first day the specialist wanted me to take an at home pregnancy test. I had taken so many of these at this point that it hurt to even purchase them. I carefully read the directions for the thousandth time. These results were going to be accurate. My heart could not handle a mess up because I didn’t follow the directions.

I waited the 3 minutes I was supposed to wait. My heart was pounding. I was sweating. I thought I was going to be sick. What if its negative? Will I be able to pick myself up off of the floor? Can I do this again? I managed to look down at the test on the bathroom counter. I leaned closer. Was that a second pink line? I turned on the lights. Am I seeing this correctly? I double checked the directions to decipher the meaning of the two little pink lines on the test.

WE’RE PREGNANT! I ran into the bedroom where my sweet husband was asleep, screaming the entire way! I jumped on the bed, holding the pregnancy test, begging him to sit up and look at it.  He immediately wanted me to take another one, but I crumbled. I began to cry, but this time they were happy tears. They were tears of joy! He held me as we prayed, thanking God for the blessing of a positive pregnancy test.

We had waited more than 27 months to see those two pink lines. I had wanted to be pregnant for nearly 36 months as this point and could not believe that what I had desired, prayed for, begged to have, cried over, and craved was finally here.

Please read this next part carefully. I want to be very clear when I write this.

God is the reason that we are pregnant. God gave us this baby. Yes, this was our first infertility procedure, but God allowed it to work. God gave the doctors and nurses the ability to help us and God sent this sweet baby to us.

I also understand that there are still so many people out there who are dealing with infertility currently. I know that the first, second, and third procedures do not always work. I am not trying to add salt to the wound, but instead trying to share our story to encourage you. I want to shed some light onto what we have walked (more like been carried by God) through. There is hope. You are not alone. Please do not sit in dark rooms (like I did) and feel as if no one can understand.

I did take another pregnancy test and it confirmed the results of the first test. This Thanksgiving we sat with family, knowing in our hearts that we were pregnant. We waited to tell people until the blood work confirmed the pregnancy a few days later. But that’s another story for another day. 

Will It Work

At the beginning of November 2015 we began our IUI process. We knew people who had many failed IUIs and we were trying to stay positive but realistic. It was scary to get too excited after all of the months of failed attempts with medicines and tests and hopes of a baby. This process of trying to start a family had changed us. We were no longer focused on what the perfect due date would be, having a beautiful way of revealing the pregnancy, or trying to put on the front of life being perfect. We were broken hearted, beat up emotionally, and needed saving from this painful experience of infertility. 

Each week in November we were going to the doctor. We had an ultrasound to check my ovaries for eggs. We started medicine to cause my ovulation. Had another ultrasound to look for egg development and blood work to check for ovulation. We were doing at home ovulation checks for the exact day of ovulation. We had the IUI on November 13th and more bloodwork a week later to check my progesterone levels. We started progesterone suppositories  since my level was slightly low (which called for an emergency run to a pharmacy in Atlanta since not everywhere has this) and more bloodwork. 

All of this effort and we weren’t even sure if we were pregnant. We didn’t know if it was going to work. We were so hopeful, so ready to be parents. 

We had been heartbroken many times before. We were timid and reserved with what we would share and who we would share with. We wanted our little bundle of joy, but didn’t want to have the world watching us if this didn’t work. 

I can remember praying for many things during this month. Health, happiness, a baby, God’s timing…but what I remember most about this time was praying that God use this time to pull me towards Him and not allow me to push Him away. 

Will this work? God it is all in your hands. If this gives us a baby it is only because You allowed it to work. Send us your child. Bless us with a little one to raise up in Your way. 

After Two Years

Once we tried everything my doctor wanted to and still weren’t pregnant she referred us to two different specialists (May 2015). I decided to call the specialist where Kyle had done a medical test. When I called there was no answer. I left a voicemail but never heard back from them. I thought this was odd, but took it as a sign to not use a specialist yet. We spent the next three cycles doing no medicine, blood work, or tests. 

When we passed the two year point I called the specialist again (August 2015). Still no answer or return call. Instead of waiting or trying them again, I called the other specialist recommended by my doctor. This office answered the first time and set up an appointment immediately. 

I think the month leading up to our appointment might have been the hardest for me. I cried constantly. The thought that we needed help was devastating. Writing this now and reliving this experience has me bawling like a baby. My pride was bruised, battered, and broken. I was officially admitting that something was wrong with us and we couldn’t make a baby the way most people do. 

Rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing instant in prayer. Romans 12:12 This verse became my constant focus. I meditated on it daily. Prayed through it continually. We had so much hope that these doctors would be able to help us start our family. We were trying to be patient during this trying time. We focused our hearts on God and prayed constantly. He was the only way I made it through most days. After 32 months of wanting a baby and 24 months of trying to have one, we were finally ready to take the next step…we needed to seek more help than we ever thought we would have to.