My Heart Aches

Today a friend in Sunday school shared that one of her friends from Mississippi lost their newborn baby. The mom had complications getting pregnant, endured a high risk pregnancy, knew the baby would have to have surgery right after birth, and then lost the baby at full term. I may have some information wrong, or misunderstood, but no matter what no mother should have to attend their child’s funeral. I know it happens so often, but today as I sit 39 weeks pregnant I find myself continually praying for Hannah to be okay. I hope that God will deliver her into this world happy and healthy. I thank the Lord for the great pregnancy He has blessed me with. 

As a doctor put it a few weeks ago, my perfect pregnancy has been a shock since it was so difficult to become pregnant. Infertility changed me, changed my heart, moved me in a direction I never thought I would walk with God, but pregnancy has changed me even more. My mindset about being a wife, teacher, daughter has all changed. I realized on my birthday this year that it is not only a big day in my life, but in my parents’. It’s the day they became mom and dad. The day they welcomed a new person into their home. The day God entrusted a little human into their hands. It’s a big day for them too! 

So today as I pray. I pray for a mom I will never meet. I pray God will heal her heart and bless her abundantly. I pray for several moms I know who have lost their children and know that I can never fully understand, but that God can soothe the hurt. I pray that God will give them joy in their sorrow and healing in their hurt. 


Overly Aware

With everything that has happened this week my heart is burdened and struggling with the idea of raising a child in this world. To be honest, I watch very little news, do not follow news channels on social media, and guard my heart from the world. As I waited for Kyle’s surgery yesterday, I watched Good Morning America and saw way too much footage about the Dallas shooting. They also discussed the other two cities who were struck with tragedy this week, and I felt completely overly aware. 

I have to wonder about the state of the world and question whether it is better or worse today than 200 years ago, 100 years ago, 10 years ago. I honestly don’t know if it is better or worse but what I do know is, as a world, we are overly aware about everything because of technology, media, and social networking. Twenty years ago, there was no internet and news only spread through TV and radio (mostly). One hundred years ago, news traveled through letters, newspapers, and face to face communication. Information was slow to spread and many times people didn’t know when bad things happened.

With how I guard myself, it normally takes me a good bit of time to learn about the terrible happenings of this world. I do not necessarily think it is good for me to be so oblivious to the news, but it helps me with worrying, fear, and controlling my tongue (or thumbs). With technology, people are able to throw their opinions out very quickly, hide behind their thumbs and screens, and “say” things they probably do not have the courage to actually say.

God’s word says, “but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.” ‭‭(James‬ ‭3:8‬ ‭NIV‬‬) I think in today’s society we could also insert that we cannot tame our thumbs as we very quickly pull out our phones, hop on Twitter and Facebook, and type out our opinions about everything without thinking. The poison is spread so quickly and hurts so many more people than it would have 100 or 20 years ago. “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” (‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭12:18‬ ‭NIV‬‬) We need to be aware that our words can hurt so many, especially when posted on the Internet for everyone to see. If we can stop, think, pray, and state our opinions in wise ways…then healing will come. 

So, do I like how the world is? No. Do I think today is a harder day to live in than 100 years ago? I don’t know. Can I control my tongue and thumbs? Only with God. Today, let’s all try to pray before we post.

Finding Out

From the time we started trying to have a baby, Kyle and I would look at each other around the holidays and say This time next year we could have a baby! The first year it was thrilling to dream about. The second year was beyond difficult to even think about it. In the third year, as Thanksgiving approached and we were in the middle of a treatment I read an article posted by a friend from high school. The article was called It’s Okay to Not Be Okay This Thanksgiving. I wanted to share a portion of it with you:

It’s okay if you are unable to fight back the tears as you gather around the table to give thanks.

It’s okay if you can’t see how your miscarriage could ever be woven into some master plan of good.

It’s okay to be sad…even outraged…that your life isn’t going according to plan.

It’s okay if you need to lock yourself in the bathroom and cry when the emotions become too overwhelming, the thoughts become too painful, and the heartache you have becomes too strong.

It’s okay to be angry and confused at the unfairness infertility brings.

It’s okay if you don’t sweep your emotions underneath the kitchen rug you are standing on while you peel the potatoes, but rather open up and tell your family how your womb aches. Your heart hurts. And the hope you have is fading.

And it’s okay to shake your fist to the heavens and tell God exactly how you feel. Not holding anything back.

It’s okay to question why your plans are not good enough or the timing isn’t right.

It’s okay to be mad that you have spent thousands of dollars and countless hours at the doctor’s office just to be given a chance to have what seems to come so naturally and easily to others.

And it’s okay to hurt, to cry, and to still feel disappointed even though others think you should have moved on by now.

It’s okay to tell your Aunt Judy with grace that it’s not really her place to ask when you are going to have children.

It’s okay if while grocery shopping for thanksgiving dinner you see a pregnant woman in the same aisle as you and you need to turn your head. Even move to another part of the store.  Or wipe away a tear.

It’s okay if you decline the invitation to hold your cousins baby or walk away from a conversation about motherhood.

It’s okay if you decide to cook a meal for just you and your spouse…forgoing the traditional family affair.

Friend, basically I want you to know it’s okay to not be okay this Thanksgiving.  

I needed to read this as we were approaching the day we would find out if the procedure worked. I needed to know that I wasn’t alone and that someone else out their in the world knew how I was feeling.

The morning before Thanksgiving Day (2015) was the first day the specialist wanted me to take an at home pregnancy test. I had taken so many of these at this point that it hurt to even purchase them. I carefully read the directions for the thousandth time. These results were going to be accurate. My heart could not handle a mess up because I didn’t follow the directions.

I waited the 3 minutes I was supposed to wait. My heart was pounding. I was sweating. I thought I was going to be sick. What if its negative? Will I be able to pick myself up off of the floor? Can I do this again? I managed to look down at the test on the bathroom counter. I leaned closer. Was that a second pink line? I turned on the lights. Am I seeing this correctly? I double checked the directions to decipher the meaning of the two little pink lines on the test.

WE’RE PREGNANT! I ran into the bedroom where my sweet husband was asleep, screaming the entire way! I jumped on the bed, holding the pregnancy test, begging him to sit up and look at it.  He immediately wanted me to take another one, but I crumbled. I began to cry, but this time they were happy tears. They were tears of joy! He held me as we prayed, thanking God for the blessing of a positive pregnancy test.


We had waited more than 27 months to see those two pink lines. I had wanted to be pregnant for nearly 36 months as this point and could not believe that what I had desired, prayed for, begged to have, cried over, and craved was finally here.

Please read this next part carefully. I want to be very clear when I write this.

God is the reason that we are pregnant. God gave us this baby. Yes, this was our first infertility procedure, but God allowed it to work. God gave the doctors and nurses the ability to help us and God sent this sweet baby to us.

I also understand that there are still so many people out there who are dealing with infertility currently. I know that the first, second, and third procedures do not always work. I am not trying to add salt to the wound, but instead trying to share our story to encourage you. I want to shed some light onto what we have walked (more like been carried by God) through. There is hope. You are not alone. Please do not sit in dark rooms (like I did) and feel as if no one can understand.

I did take another pregnancy test and it confirmed the results of the first test. This Thanksgiving we sat with family, knowing in our hearts that we were pregnant. We waited to tell people until the blood work confirmed the pregnancy a few days later. But that’s another story for another day. 

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What I Didn’t Realize

After our first meeting I felt relief to know we still has options. I was immediately ready to commit to trying an IUI. What I didn’t realize is that Kyle felt blindsided. He thought we would have other options before needing to try a full procedure. 
TV makes trying to have a baby look like a magic formula. We have to be together between 10 am and 2 pm on November 7th to get pregnant. Kyle thought the doctors might give us a calendar to follow in order to try on our own a little longer. Kyle didn’t know I had been using an app to do just that for more than two years. I wasn’t trying to be sneaky or mislead him, I just didn’t want to burden him with one more thing. 

After our appointment, we had many tearful conversations that revealed all of the burdens I had carried by myself for years. It was one of the most painful things I have ever walked through. Not just because I wanted a baby and still didn’t have one, but because I realized I had caused my husband pain. The worst part was that we would need to make a decision quickly. My next cycle was scheduled to start within 10 days of our appointment. 

After some time of prayer, crying, seeking council, and discussion we decided we didn’t want to give up on having our own biological children yet. We also didn’t want to sit and do nothing. God allowed someone to come up with the medicines and procedures to help families have babies. If it was God’s will, it would work. If it wasn’t God’s will, then it wouldn’t work. We decided to move forward with an IUI. 

A new problem occurred though. My next cycle never started. We took so many pregnancy tests during this time of my body being “late” and they were all negative. I called my OB/GYN’s office and they didn’t want to touch me. The nurse there tried to tell me over the phone that I wasn’t pregnant, but I informed her that my God was bigger than a pregnancy test and I would believe it when more tests had been run. They told me to call the specialist. After this 45 day long cycle, they confirmed through blood work and an ultrasound that we were not pregnant. 

What a lot of people who do not suffer from infertility do not realize is that in each cycle there are moments of extreme hope and happiness at the thought of possibly being pregnant followed by moments of deep sorrow, loneliness, and loss. Right at the moments of sadness, you must call your doctors to get the next round of medicines, make appointments, and get ready to try again. There is no time to grieve. We were hurting so badly but knew we needed to try this next cycle with an IUI.