Happy Mother’s Day

This day used to hurt so much. This was a day that I wanted to stay in bed, pull the covers over my head, and weep. I didn’t. I got up, put on a smile, wished all the mothers a happy day at church, and prayed harder than ever for a baby. 

I have a wonderful mother who I have always loved to celebrate! My mom is amazing and sacrificed so much for me and my brother. She put her career on hold so she could stay home and care for us! Mother’s Day is one day in the year that we set aside to celebrate mommies like mine. 


But knowing that I didn’t have the desire of my heart, a baby, made this day so hard. This year my heart is so full! Having my sweet girl here with me to hold, kiss, and love makes my mommy heart happier than ever! 


Happy Mother’s Day to all of the mom’s out there! Happy Mother’s Day to all the women who want to be mom’s! My prayers are with you today.

Infertility Week

One out of eight people struggle with infertility. I am a 1 in 8 and understand the struggle all to well. I have the extra label of “unexplained infertility”. For years I kept this struggle a secret. People would joke about not knowing how to make a baby. They would ask when we were going to have kids not knowing that another month had gone by with a negative pregnancy test. Not even my family knew the hardship we were having to conceive. I don’t know why I didn’t share. Maybe because I was scared they would think badly of me. Maybe because I was ashamed. Maybe because I thought that my burdens didn’t need to be anyone else’s problem. I regret not telling people sooner. Without a support system, I found myself crumbling into a pile of tears constantly with no one to turn to. Sadly I didn’t even keep my husband fully in the know. After two years of hiding our inability to get pregnant I began to tell people publicly about my hope to have a biological baby. I would share with people in my prayer circle, family, friends, Facebook, ANYONE! It made the walk bearable. Now I look back and know that every tear, pill, needle, test, ultrasound, doctor’s appointment, sleepless night, and prayer was worth it. God heard my prayers and granted me the desires of my heart. 
If you are a 1 in 8 like me, know that you are not alone. People everywhere are walking through infertility too. Don’t be scared to talk about it. It helps to say your fears, frustrations, hopes, and heartaches.

If you have a friend or family member who is walking this path, support them in whatever decisions they make. It is not up to you how they choose to approach having a family. Listen, pray, hangout…just be there for them. 

Infertility was the path God placed me on for a reason. I may never know what that reason was but this baby girl was worth it! 

Mary Again

Our church had their Christmas cantata this past weekend and I was Mary again. This means that Kyle was Joseph of course, and for the first time we had our baby be Jesus (I’ve had the honor of holding other babies for the past few years). 


Weeks ago I was asked to sing a song while holding my baby. I listened to the song and cried. I knew if I was going to sing this song with my daughter that I would have to get over the lyrics. Give Me This Night is a beautiful song about Mary asking to just be Jesus’ mother and he be just her son for the night. Let him be just my son, not the savior, for just a night. The bridge of the song is what got me:

God you gave him to me, And I gave him life. Now with him in my arms, And me in his eyes, This is much more than I ever could wish, You can have his tomorrows, But please grant me this. Give me this night, to just be his mother. Give him this moment to just be my child. He has the rest of his life to be Savior, but so little time, to simply be mine. So give me, please give me this night.


Being a new mom I have a whole new look on Christmas (as well as other things). For the first time I identify with Mary as a mother. She carried him for 9 months, endured the pain of child birth, and has the overwhelming feeling of being the mother of the Savior. This song may seem selfish on Mary’s part, and scripture doesn’t say that she asked God for this, but singing this song with Hannah got me. Even after practicing with her several hundred times, I cried. I cried with joy! Just like Mary must of recognized she wouldn’t have much time with her son (because time flies!), I realized I don’t have much time with Hannah. I cannot slow down time and keep her longer. She will grow up, and she will move out one day (a LONG time from now), and I will look back and cherish these moments I have now. It won’t be long before she won’t want to be rocked to sleep, or want to be carried everywhere. I know if I blink she’ll be headed to school or driving. This weekend was special, and I will cherish it forever. 

What a Chunk?

Hannah is 4 months old and a chunk! She had her check up this week and is 16 lb. 11 oz. (77th%) and 27 in (above 95th%). Go figure she is going to be a tall baby. She has finally rolled over!!!!!! BUT, she doesn’t know how she rolls over…she just looks amazed that she is no longer on her tummy.

 

Each day I look at her and thank God for her sweet face, amazing health, and happy personality. How did God bring me from desperately wanting a baby to this moment? I’ve gone from crying for a child to crying because I love her so much. 

Hannah is a happy baby who laughs often. She recognizes her bottle and loves to watch us eat. She is fascinated by lights and stares at the chandeliers at church until she falls asleep. Hannah can pull to a sitting position and prop up on her elbows. We love watching Hannah grow!

I used to have a spotless house

I enjoy cleaning. It is a way for me to relieve stress and get a clean house all in one. I know most people are rolling their eyes or thinking I’m crazy right now.  Maybe I am. Before baby girl was around, I cleaned my house top to bottom each week. I was a proud home owner who wanted to maintain my house through cleaning. I was also a stressed wife who wanted to contribute financially but couldn’t, so I cleaned. 

Now…now it’s different. Now I would rather hold my daughter while she sleeps, play on the floor during tummy time, and giggle at all of her funny faces. There will always be another day for cleaning. But today, I will adore my daughter. 

What does Jesus say?

Hannah is 3 months old!!! Where has the time gone?


She loves to swing, kick, laugh and smile. But more than anything she loves to have a nice warm bottle of milk. Since I have gone back to work I have been pumping non-stop to keep up with her. Each day as I sit alone in my room at school to get Hannah’s food I pray. I pray a selfish prayer. God, please release me from pumping. Lord, give me peace about not breast feeding anymore. Jesus, can I quit? The pressure to produce enough, the loneliness at work, the time restraints of having to get back to my pump in time…I pray to no longer have to do this. Then I feel guilty because so many moms want to breastfeed and can’t for whatever reason. I am blessed to have a way to feed my baby without the expense of formula. I have a baby whose tummy loves what I can give her. 

Every time I bring this up to Kyle he simply asks me, “What does Jesus say?” He knows I pray about it and he knows Jesus hasn’t released me from this motherly task yet. So until he does I will continue to provide for my sweet girl. Until I am freed I will thank Him for giving me this ability that so many mommies want. While I continue to provide for my baby I will pray and try to be less selfish. 

Night Time

I have been back at work for four weeks now and Jesus blessed me with a baby who sleeps through the night. My first day back at work was preceded by baby girl sleeping for 9 hours straight. In the weeks since she has only gotten up in the middle of the night once and this morning she woke up about an hour earlier than normal. I couldn’t ask for a better night time baby. I hope she continues to sleep this well!

My Heart May Explode

Baby girl is two months old… where did the last two months go? 


As I am enjoying my fall break (yes I went back to work two weeks ago ­čśö) I can only express my feelings by saying my heart feels like it will explode with love for my sweet pea. She has brought so much love and joy into our lives! We feel so blessed!

I still can’t believe I am a mom

I don’t know when it will be real, but I still can’t believe I’m a mom. I can’t understand how someone so tiny was gifted to me. I have no clue what God was thinking when he sent me such a precious girl, but I am so glad he did. 


She is 10 days old already and I don’t want to ever let her go. My heart is so full of love!

Today means so much

Do you have certain dates that are significant to you? Dates that may mean nothing to everyone else, but you cherish them? Today is one of those days for me. August 15th will always mean something to me. 


Three years ago today, Kyle told me he was ready to start a family. Little did we know that our family wouldn’t be expanded for almost three years. Little did we know the ups and downs of trying to have a baby. Little did we know about infertility treatments, medications, and heart break. Oh how little did we know. 


But today, as I lay exhausted staring at my 5 day old daughter I am overwhelmed with joy. God’s timing is perfect and if any other time had been our time we wouldn’t have Hannah. I am beyond blessed and continually find myself crying out in praise for her, crying out in the weight of being her mother, crying out in thanksgiving. 

So today, I will remember just how much it means in my heart to finally be a mom.