Getting Out

I have been a hermit crab for the past week and only left home with Kyle and Hannah for doctors appointments. I rode in the back seat with Hannah and stared at her the entire time. The thought of leaving the house by myself brought me to tears this weekend. I can’t protect her out in the world the way I can at home. I can’t control what other maniacs do, but I can control who I let in my home and near my daughter. As I was crying to Kyle about this on Sunday afternoon I realized I have to leave the house. I have to trust God to protect her. I have to let go of so much control and know that Hannah is better off in the center of God’s hand than wrapped in my arms sitting at home. 

Geez that is hard to write. 

As I sit hear and listen to her hiccup, I can say that we did get out yesterday for evening service at church and today for a quick trip to Target. I drove her last night (with daddy riding along to help) and today by myself for a little bit. I am making baby steps toward re-entering the world and taking Hannah along.

 It’s not easy. I never thought it would be, but …I just want to keep her safe, control her every encounter, shelter her from harm…

I still can’t believe I am a mom

I don’t know when it will be real, but I still can’t believe I’m a mom. I can’t understand how someone so tiny was gifted to me. I have no clue what God was thinking when he sent me such a precious girl, but I am so glad he did. 


She is 10 days old already and I don’t want to ever let her go. My heart is so full of love!

Today means so much

Do you have certain dates that are significant to you? Dates that may mean nothing to everyone else, but you cherish them? Today is one of those days for me. August 15th will always mean something to me. 


Three years ago today, Kyle told me he was ready to start a family. Little did we know that our family wouldn’t be expanded for almost three years. Little did we know the ups and downs of trying to have a baby. Little did we know about infertility treatments, medications, and heart break. Oh how little did we know. 


But today, as I lay exhausted staring at my 5 day old daughter I am overwhelmed with joy. God’s timing is perfect and if any other time had been our time we wouldn’t have Hannah. I am beyond blessed and continually find myself crying out in praise for her, crying out in the weight of being her mother, crying out in thanksgiving. 

So today, I will remember just how much it means in my heart to finally be a mom. 

Giving

Give up material wealth if necessary to give spiritual wealth. One of the points in our pastor’s sermon this week was worded something similar to that (pregnancy brain 😕). It brought me to tears thinking about his point. I’m not sure I heard too much after that because I was stuck on this point. Give up material wealth if necessary to give spiritual wealth. 
We all have money issues. We either don’t have money and that is the issue, or we do have money and it becomes an issue. I’ll admit that I am in the first category. No money here, and yes it is an issue many times. But our lack of material wealth doesn’t mean that we lack in spiritual wealth. It doesn’t mean that we aren’t called to give. And honestly, if I had to pick one type of wealth over the other I would chose spiritual wealth everyday of the week. 

But how many times am I called to give material wealth in order to affect someone else’s spiritual wealth? How many times does my flesh stop me from giving as I should? I couldn’t help but think about the woman who poured perfume on Jesus’ feet. She had so little to give, but gave it all in an act of worship. Her reward? A huge spiritual wealth gain!

“A woman in that town who lived a sinful life learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee’s house, so she came there with an alabaster jar of perfume. As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them. When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is—that she is a sinner.” Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.” “Tell me, teacher,” he said. “Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?” Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.” “You have judged correctly,” Jesus said. Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.” Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.” The other guests began to say among themselves, “Who is this who even forgives sins?” Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.””

‭‭Luke‬ ‭7:37-50‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I am a sinful woman who needs Jesus and should be willing to pour out what little I have on His feet. My sin debt is beyond anything I could pay back and Jesus has forgiven it in full. So yes, I have little to give, but I want to give it all in order to further the kingdom, in order for others to learn about having their sins forgiven. I want to give my material wealth in order to influence other’s spiritual wealth. 

Due Date


Today is Hannah’s due date and yet I’m still pregnant…to say that I have officially hit impatient would be an understatement. I am beyond ready to hold her in my arms instead of in my belly. I want to see her daddy’s face as he kisses her the first time and her grandparents as they take on a new title in life. I am anxious, emotional, and tired. But I know she is healthy where she is (and quiet) and that she will be here in God’s timing (He is still trying to teach me to let go of my need to control…I’m stubborn 😕). 

Feeling Like ME

This summer was a great time to relax and rest as a baby has grown inside of me. I don’t know that it would have been good or wise for me to work during my 30-38 week time period. However, I didn’t feel like myself this summer. I didn’t look like me, act like me, respond like me. Maybe it’s the hormones, or laziness from being exhausted, or who knows, but this summer I wasn’t me

I went back to work last week (teachers seem to go back earlier and earlier each year) and still wasn’t who I remember myself to be. I wasn’t keeping the house as clean, cooking as much, enjoying the social aspect of my job. It’s been weird. But in the past two days everything has changed! The kids have come back to school and I feel like ME! I get to be goofy, and accomplish tasks that matter. I get to learn about new little people and show my slightly crazy side. Being a teacher is apart of who I am. God called me to this career and it has been amazing to be back (even if only for a few days)! I have loved it!

Please do not misunderstand me. I am 39 weeks pregnant and exhausted. My feet and ankles are unrecognizable and hurt. I am thrilled to be taking time off with my sweet little girl soon and will love every second of it. But I am so glad to I have a career that I LOVE and know that I was called to!

I Survived My Nightmare

Since finding out I was pregnant, and having the doctors confirm my due date (August 6), I have had a few nightmares, but one has reoccurred too many times to count. My water breaking as I’m meeting parents and students at open house. That may seem silly, but it has been my struggle. I have known since week four that at week 39 I would endure open house and the first week of school. For some reason the idea of the first week of school is less scary of a time for my water to break than open house. 

Last night was open house…and I survived my nightmare, or I guess my nightmare never occurred in real life! I’m so excited/relieved! As I met my 25 fifth graders and several of my teaching partner’s students as well, I was thrilled at how well they handled my very round belly and the fact that my due date is Saturday. Sure, at the end of the night my feet hurt, my back ached, and all I wanted was to lie down and sleep…but I would consider the night a HUGE success! Especially since my water didn’t break.

Glimpses of Grace

I just finished another book by Gloria Furman and let me just tell you again how much I enjoy her writings (the first book I read by her was The Pastor’s Wife). She is real, Christ-centered, and hits you (and herself) with God’s word continually throughout her book. I love how she doesn’t try to seem like she has it all figured out and shares her life stories and then connects them to the bible.

Glimpses of Grace

In this book, Gloria discusses how God is in the midst of our mundane daily tasks as wives, moms, and women. She shares stories that will make you laugh (her son loving to stick his hand in the toilet while it flushes) and cry (her husband’s constant battle with pain in his arms) while relating them to our spiritual lives.

Glimpses of grace quote

“God can use the ordinary moments in your life to glorify himself by conforming you into the image of his Son.” If that quote from the book doesn’t make you want to shout, “Amen!” then I don’t know what will.

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