Watching and Feeling

I enjoy watching Royal Pains, a fictional medical show about a concierge doctor. In the show, one of the couples has been struggling with infertility. During this week’s episode the wife took an at home pregnancy test before her blood work to see if IFV worked. The at home test was negative and she was devastated. 
I could relate more than I would like to admit to the heart break she felt, but the episode ended with blood work results that were positive and tears of joy began to run down my face. Three little words can make my heart melt. You are pregnant

The funny part was her husband’s reaction. Let’s keep it a secret for one night. The wife agrees and before she can complete her sentence he is screaming to his brother the great news. I understand his joy and lack of control in containing the news. It was two of the hardest days of my life to not tell, sing, shout it from a mountain top. WE ARE PREGNANT!

After the episode finished I was broken in my gratitude for my sweet baby girl. We are 37 days away from her due date. 37…that’s it. I can’t believe the journey we have been on to get here or how God sees me as deserving of such a miracle. God is beyond anything I can comprehend and though I am worried and stressed about being a mom, taking care of financial obligations, and maintaining a healthy marriage…I am so thankful that He trusts me enough to give me a daughter. My faith is being stretched as we look up to heaven and admit we don’t know where the provisions are coming from. My love for God is deepening as I try to understand how he could possibly love me at all. My trust is in the Lord today and tomorrow. May I never lose sight of that. 


So, yes…I cried through the end of the episode and then some. My heart will always feel for couples who struggle to have families because I too have walked that path. My only way of surviving is trusting in God…for all of my needs, wants, hopes, and desires. 

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