Oh, the number of times that I tell myself I believe but in my heart I am full of unbelief. When looking for a job, I would pray and tell myself (and others) that I believed a job was coming. Yet so many times it was as if I was saying I believe? When I was hired, it became easier to believe that God could and would provide for our needs. So the next time a financial need came up, I believed God would take care of it, somehow, someway. When trying to start a family, I became overwhelmed with unbelief. I would pray and tell myself I was believing but struggled to overcome my unbelief.
This week I related to a father in Mark 9 who also would say he believed but struggled to overcome his unbelief.
“When they came to the other disciples, they saw a large crowd around them and the teachers of the law arguing with them. As soon as all the people saw Jesus, they were overwhelmed with wonder and ran to greet him. “What are you arguing with them about?” he asked. A man in the crowd answered, “Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not.” “You unbelieving generation,” Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me.” So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth. Jesus asked the boy’s father, “How long has he been like this?” “From childhood,” he answered. “It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.” “ ‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the impure spirit. “You deaf and mute spirit,” he said, “I command you, come out of him and never enter him again.” The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and came out. The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, “He’s dead.” But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet, and he stood up. After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?” He replied, “This kind can come out only by prayer. ””
Mark 9:14-29 NIV
How many times am I just like this father? Saying I believe, but knowing that I am full of unbelief. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I prayed that God would help me believe. That I would try to stay positive that it was our time for a baby. Jesus, help me believe that you are in control of this. I hit a turning point in my walk through infertility last October. Here is a small piece of one of my journal entires from last October when I was 40 days late, had taken 4 pregnancy tests—all of which were negative, and had a nurse tell me I couldn’t be pregnant:
I don’t know if I am pregnant or not, but what I do know is that my God is bigger than the sticks I have peed on, the nurse I have spoken to, and this entire situation. If God wants me to be pregnant, then I will be and nothing will stop Him.
This was my believing point. I believed this so much that I can remember telling multiple people this (including the nurse who told me I couldn’t be pregnant). This was the point at which I truly believed in my heart, not just my head, that God was so much bigger than my infertility.
Was I pregnant this cycle? No. Did it hurt when I discovered that it still wasn’t my time? Yes! But I no longer just had a head knowledge that God could send me a child. I fully believed, with my entire being, that God was capable of doing anything in my body, no matter what the doctors were saying.
Today, choose to believe. If you still struggle with unbelief, pray that God would help you overcome your unbelief. He can do greater things than you can ever imagine…believe!