Finding Out

From the time we started trying to have a baby, Kyle and I would look at each other around the holidays and say This time next year we could have a baby! The first year it was thrilling to dream about. The second year was beyond difficult to even think about it. In the third year, as Thanksgiving approached and we were in the middle of a treatment I read an article posted by a friend from high school. The article was called It’s Okay to Not Be Okay This Thanksgiving. I wanted to share a portion of it with you:

It’s okay if you are unable to fight back the tears as you gather around the table to give thanks.

It’s okay if you can’t see how your miscarriage could ever be woven into some master plan of good.

It’s okay to be sad…even outraged…that your life isn’t going according to plan.

It’s okay if you need to lock yourself in the bathroom and cry when the emotions become too overwhelming, the thoughts become too painful, and the heartache you have becomes too strong.

It’s okay to be angry and confused at the unfairness infertility brings.

It’s okay if you don’t sweep your emotions underneath the kitchen rug you are standing on while you peel the potatoes, but rather open up and tell your family how your womb aches. Your heart hurts. And the hope you have is fading.

And it’s okay to shake your fist to the heavens and tell God exactly how you feel. Not holding anything back.

It’s okay to question why your plans are not good enough or the timing isn’t right.

It’s okay to be mad that you have spent thousands of dollars and countless hours at the doctor’s office just to be given a chance to have what seems to come so naturally and easily to others.

And it’s okay to hurt, to cry, and to still feel disappointed even though others think you should have moved on by now.

It’s okay to tell your Aunt Judy with grace that it’s not really her place to ask when you are going to have children.

It’s okay if while grocery shopping for thanksgiving dinner you see a pregnant woman in the same aisle as you and you need to turn your head. Even move to another part of the store.  Or wipe away a tear.

It’s okay if you decline the invitation to hold your cousins baby or walk away from a conversation about motherhood.

It’s okay if you decide to cook a meal for just you and your spouse…forgoing the traditional family affair.

Friend, basically I want you to know it’s okay to not be okay this Thanksgiving.  

I needed to read this as we were approaching the day we would find out if the procedure worked. I needed to know that I wasn’t alone and that someone else out their in the world knew how I was feeling.

The morning before Thanksgiving Day (2015) was the first day the specialist wanted me to take an at home pregnancy test. I had taken so many of these at this point that it hurt to even purchase them. I carefully read the directions for the thousandth time. These results were going to be accurate. My heart could not handle a mess up because I didn’t follow the directions.

I waited the 3 minutes I was supposed to wait. My heart was pounding. I was sweating. I thought I was going to be sick. What if its negative? Will I be able to pick myself up off of the floor? Can I do this again? I managed to look down at the test on the bathroom counter. I leaned closer. Was that a second pink line? I turned on the lights. Am I seeing this correctly? I double checked the directions to decipher the meaning of the two little pink lines on the test.

WE’RE PREGNANT! I ran into the bedroom where my sweet husband was asleep, screaming the entire way! I jumped on the bed, holding the pregnancy test, begging him to sit up and look at it.  He immediately wanted me to take another one, but I crumbled. I began to cry, but this time they were happy tears. They were tears of joy! He held me as we prayed, thanking God for the blessing of a positive pregnancy test.

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We had waited more than 27 months to see those two pink lines. I had wanted to be pregnant for nearly 36 months as this point and could not believe that what I had desired, prayed for, begged to have, cried over, and craved was finally here.

Please read this next part carefully. I want to be very clear when I write this.

God is the reason that we are pregnant. God gave us this baby. Yes, this was our first infertility procedure, but God allowed it to work. God gave the doctors and nurses the ability to help us and God sent this sweet baby to us.

I also understand that there are still so many people out there who are dealing with infertility currently. I know that the first, second, and third procedures do not always work. I am not trying to add salt to the wound, but instead trying to share our story to encourage you. I want to shed some light onto what we have walked (more like been carried by God) through. There is hope. You are not alone. Please do not sit in dark rooms (like I did) and feel as if no one can understand.

I did take another pregnancy test and it confirmed the results of the first test. This Thanksgiving we sat with family, knowing in our hearts that we were pregnant. We waited to tell people until the blood work confirmed the pregnancy a few days later. But that’s another story for another day. 

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6 thoughts on “Finding Out

  1. Elizabeth says:

    Thank you for sharing your story!! It give us all who struggle with infertility hope. God is so good and I know it will all be perfect because it’s his plan not ours!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Danielle Ruff says:

      Telling our story has been part of healing for me. It’s helped me so much, even though it hurt at times, to relive each step of the journey. I’m glad it has helped others along the way.

      Like

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