What I Didn’t Realize

After our first meeting I felt relief to know we still has options. I was immediately ready to commit to trying an IUI. What I didn’t realize is that Kyle felt blindsided. He thought we would have other options before needing to try a full procedure. 
TV makes trying to have a baby look like a magic formula. We have to be together between 10 am and 2 pm on November 7th to get pregnant. Kyle thought the doctors might give us a calendar to follow in order to try on our own a little longer. Kyle didn’t know I had been using an app to do just that for more than two years. I wasn’t trying to be sneaky or mislead him, I just didn’t want to burden him with one more thing. 

After our appointment, we had many tearful conversations that revealed all of the burdens I had carried by myself for years. It was one of the most painful things I have ever walked through. Not just because I wanted a baby and still didn’t have one, but because I realized I had caused my husband pain. The worst part was that we would need to make a decision quickly. My next cycle was scheduled to start within 10 days of our appointment. 

After some time of prayer, crying, seeking council, and discussion we decided we didn’t want to give up on having our own biological children yet. We also didn’t want to sit and do nothing. God allowed someone to come up with the medicines and procedures to help families have babies. If it was God’s will, it would work. If it wasn’t God’s will, then it wouldn’t work. We decided to move forward with an IUI. 

A new problem occurred though. My next cycle never started. We took so many pregnancy tests during this time of my body being “late” and they were all negative. I called my OB/GYN’s office and they didn’t want to touch me. The nurse there tried to tell me over the phone that I wasn’t pregnant, but I informed her that my God was bigger than a pregnancy test and I would believe it when more tests had been run. They told me to call the specialist. After this 45 day long cycle, they confirmed through blood work and an ultrasound that we were not pregnant. 

What a lot of people who do not suffer from infertility do not realize is that in each cycle there are moments of extreme hope and happiness at the thought of possibly being pregnant followed by moments of deep sorrow, loneliness, and loss. Right at the moments of sadness, you must call your doctors to get the next round of medicines, make appointments, and get ready to try again. There is no time to grieve. We were hurting so badly but knew we needed to try this next cycle with an IUI. 

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