Strangely Dim

As a young christian girl it was impressed upon me that as soon as you did it you would get pregnant. Then as a young married woman I thought that as soon as you did it without protection you would get pregnant. I had heard the stories from my parents about how I came sooner than they thought I would. Kyle had heard from his parents about how protection doesn’t always work. We just assumed that as soon as we decided we wanted children, we would be able to have them.

The first few months we didn’t think too much about it. I read a few articles and decided not to worry until after a year. We didn’t tell any one we were trying because we just knew that any month now we were going to be pregnant and get to make a big announcement!

As that first year approached an end we decided we should probably let our immediate family know about our situation. Some of the things they were saying and asking were more hurtful than they knew. Why won’t you give us grandchildren? We want to have someone to spoil…have a baby. They didn’t realize that we were hurting internal with each comment. We didn’t realize how badly it would hurt to hear the same things we had been hearing for the first two and half years of our marriage. It didn’t bother us then, why does it make us cry now?

In these early months of trying to have a baby I heard a song, Strangely Dim by Francesca Battistelli. The lyrics spoke to me so deeply and moved me to tears each time I would hear it.

I’ve got all these plans piled up sky high I had planned out everything about my life. Why was this plan not working?

A thousand dreams on hold— I avoided buying clothes because any day I was going to be buying maternity clothes. I avoided planning to travel because what if I was SUPER pregnant when the time for the trip came?

And I don’t know why,
I got a front row seat
To the longest wait — I had been waiting for nine months for my husband to be on board. Now I was waiting even longer for a baby.
And I just can’t see
Past the things I pray
Today — I couldn’t see why my prayers weren’t being answered. I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to learn so that God would send me a baby. I was so focused on me, my prayers, my wants…

But when I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim — When I would stop focusing on the lack of pregnancy and focus on my relationship with God everything else seemed to fade away. It was God and me, and I was good.
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don’t look around
Any place I’m in
Grows strangely dim — When I would let everything go and only search for God, I didn’t worry about all of my worldly struggles. 

Sometimes where I stand
On this narrow road
Is in a raging storm
Or a valley low — This journey felt like a storm. A valley. A desert. 
But oh oh oh oh oh oh

When I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don’t look around
Any place I’m in
Grows strangely dim —God was what I needed to keep my eyes on. The bible was what I needed to be reading. My heart needed to be searching after the creator, not the created.

I don’t know, I don’t know
What tomorrow may hold — I didn’t know when God was going to send me a baby, or if he was going to. 
But I know, but I know
That You’re holding it all —  The best part was that I knew God was holding everything together. He knew when and if a baby would be in my plans.
So no matter what may come

I’m gonna fix my eyes on all that You are
‘Til every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
Let all my worries fade
And fall to the ground
I’m gonna seek Your face
And not look around
Til the place I’m in
Grows strangely, strangely, strangely dim.

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God reminded me through this song what to stay focused on. HIM! He reminded me who was in charge. HIM! God comforted me through this song many times.

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