Strangely Dim

As a young christian girl it was impressed upon me that as soon as you did it you would get pregnant. Then as a young married woman I thought that as soon as you did it without protection you would get pregnant. I had heard the stories from my parents about how I came sooner than they thought I would. Kyle had heard from his parents about how protection doesn’t always work. We just assumed that as soon as we decided we wanted children, we would be able to have them.

The first few months we didn’t think too much about it. I read a few articles and decided not to worry until after a year. We didn’t tell any one we were trying because we just knew that any month now we were going to be pregnant and get to make a big announcement!

As that first year approached an end we decided we should probably let our immediate family know about our situation. Some of the things they were saying and asking were more hurtful than they knew. Why won’t you give us grandchildren? We want to have someone to spoil…have a baby. They didn’t realize that we were hurting internal with each comment. We didn’t realize how badly it would hurt to hear the same things we had been hearing for the first two and half years of our marriage. It didn’t bother us then, why does it make us cry now?

In these early months of trying to have a baby I heard a song, Strangely Dim by Francesca Battistelli. The lyrics spoke to me so deeply and moved me to tears each time I would hear it.

I’ve got all these plans piled up sky high I had planned out everything about my life. Why was this plan not working?

A thousand dreams on hold— I avoided buying clothes because any day I was going to be buying maternity clothes. I avoided planning to travel because what if I was SUPER pregnant when the time for the trip came?

And I don’t know why,
I got a front row seat
To the longest wait — I had been waiting for nine months for my husband to be on board. Now I was waiting even longer for a baby.
And I just can’t see
Past the things I pray
Today — I couldn’t see why my prayers weren’t being answered. I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to learn so that God would send me a baby. I was so focused on me, my prayers, my wants…

But when I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim — When I would stop focusing on the lack of pregnancy and focus on my relationship with God everything else seemed to fade away. It was God and me, and I was good.
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don’t look around
Any place I’m in
Grows strangely dim — When I would let everything go and only search for God, I didn’t worry about all of my worldly struggles. 

Sometimes where I stand
On this narrow road
Is in a raging storm
Or a valley low — This journey felt like a storm. A valley. A desert. 
But oh oh oh oh oh oh

When I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don’t look around
Any place I’m in
Grows strangely dim —God was what I needed to keep my eyes on. The bible was what I needed to be reading. My heart needed to be searching after the creator, not the created.

I don’t know, I don’t know
What tomorrow may hold — I didn’t know when God was going to send me a baby, or if he was going to. 
But I know, but I know
That You’re holding it all —  The best part was that I knew God was holding everything together. He knew when and if a baby would be in my plans.
So no matter what may come

I’m gonna fix my eyes on all that You are
‘Til every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
Let all my worries fade
And fall to the ground
I’m gonna seek Your face
And not look around
Til the place I’m in
Grows strangely, strangely, strangely dim.

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God reminded me through this song what to stay focused on. HIM! He reminded me who was in charge. HIM! God comforted me through this song many times.

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He Was Ready

About nine months after God placed the desire to be a mom in my heart, Kyle asked me to read Psalm 127 out loud. I remember this like it was yesterday. We were in our kitchen, standing together. I read,

Psalm 127

A song of ascents. Of Solomon.

Unless the Lord builds the house,
    the builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
    the guards stand watch in vain.
In vain you rise early
    and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
    for he grants sleep to[a] those he loves.

Children are a heritage from the Lord,
    offspring a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
    are children born in one’s youth.
Blessed is the man
    whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
    when they contend with their opponents in court.

At the end of reading this passage Kyle just looked at me like I was suppose to read his mind. Please understand that my husband is a youth pastor currently in a bible college. He could have been telling me something he was excited about from school, studying for a sermon, ANYTHING!

When I didn’t begin to jump up and down with joy, Kyle became a little irritated. After months of me asking him about it and praying about it I wasn’t excited, but I truly didn’t know what he wanted me to take out of this passage.

After we were both on the same page, we prayed together and began out exciting journey to parenthood! This passage still makes my heart quicken and reminds me how blessed we are. God is so good!

My Heart’s Desire

When Kyle and I first married, we were always asked So when are you having kids? We would smile, laugh, and say We are on the five year plan. We wanted to have time as a married couple to enjoy our time and figure out how our lives were going to mesh. We each had dreams of what we wanted to accomplish before kids. A master’s degree for me, college and a full time job for him, traveling…Life!

About two years into our marriage my heart began to change. I was in a Christmas production at church as Mary and had the blessing of holding a friend’s baby (Jesus) during the show. I instantly wanted a baby of my own. I wanted little fingers to grab my pinkie. I wanted a sweet face to smile back at me. Don’t get me wrong…I know it isn’t all perfect and there are many other sides of a life with a baby, but my heart had a new desire. A desire to become a mom.

Kyle and I talked and he still wasn’t ready. I had just started my master’s. He was no where near done with school. We had only been married for two years. What happened to the five year plan?

All I asked was that Kyle pray about it, read the bible, and let me know when he was ready.

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“Delight yourself in the Lordand he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4

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Where it All Began

So how did you two meet? is always a question my husband and I get. It’s a simple story. I was 16. He was 18. My church only had 5 teenagers in the youth group. Kyle’s was much larger. One of my friends from school invited me to come hear him play drums in his youth group on Wednesday night. I went. Met a few people. Heard about a Dare to Share conference and convinced my mom to let me go. 
On the Friday we were leaving for the conference, I was texting someone in the church lobby and was approached by a cute guy with a ton of tootsie roll pops. He told me cell phones were not allowed and offered me a sucker. That’s the first interaction with Kyle that I remember. By the end of the weekend he had my cell phone number and we talked all the time. 

For weeks we simply hung out at a park after school. He tried to teach me how to yo-yo and play chess. He asked if we could hold hands, his were quite sweaty, as we walked around the park and talked. Eventually he asked me to be his date to his church’s prom. 

Our first date was full of dancing, laughing, and a sweet kiss that I will never forget. I still get butterflies thinking about it.     

 We dated for five and a half years before getting married. They weren’t all easy fun times, but they were full of laughing, talking, and falling more and more in love. Our story began at church and continues to be filled with memories in church. We love it that way! Christ is the center of our relationship. Jesus is what we have always had in common. As each of us continues to become more like Jesus Christ, we continue to grow closer together. 

How did you meet your spouse? What do you have in common? Is Christ at the center of it all?

Starting Over

Some of you may “know” me from Shining the Light in Third Grade. It’s still me. But I needed a fresh start. I needed to reinvent my blog. Life has changed a GREAT deal for me in the last few months and this blog is my new outlet.

Welcome!

I hope to be able to explain this all a little more clearly in the coming weeks and months, but for now…this is my life. It is Ruff!

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